Ha ha ha I keep knocking stuff off the Christmas tree and the Mom gets all "Oh you stop that!" so i wait until she's not looking and I do it again because it's a ton of fun and I don't think Santa will think I'm being bad or anything because I bet he thinks stuff like that is funny.
Last night I jumped up on the bed to sit on the Mom and purr on account of she feels like a giant blobby bruise and purring helps but then Max jumped up there and got really really mad because he says it's his job to purr on her when she's ouchy so i got down because he can lay still longer than I can but you know what he did? He got down just 20 minutes later! I could have stayed there that long! He SAID she had to get up to pee but I think he's just lazy.
Oh noes, I have to share this so other kitties don't make the same mistake I just did, but you have to know that the first rule of being all cute to get crunchy treats by head butts with the mom is DON'T BITE THE MOM'S HEAD and the second rule of being all cute to get crunchy treats by head butts with the mom is REALLY, DON'T BITE THE MOM'S HEAD because she really really really won't like it and you won't get anything but a poky finger wagged at you.
Oh you know what? last night there was real live fresh dead shrimp and a lot of the time I let Max have mine and I get crunchies instead but last night I ate mine and then Max jumped up on the counter because he assumed he was going to get mine, and all there was was a plate to lick and I don't think it made him very happy but I was laffin and laffin!
Oh! It's all cold outside and rainy and windy and the Dad keep saying how cold he is now when he never used to get cold and the Mom keeps saying "welcome to my world" and all I wanna know is why they just don't put warmer clothes on and curl up by the fire thingy because if they did that they wouldn't be cold and we wouldn't have to keep hearing about it!
There's a man here with a really loud sucky monster and he's taking the fireplace thingy apart and sucking its guts out and it he makes it stop working Max is going to be MAD!
This afternoon I chased the mom down the hall and meowed a lot and jumped and kinda danced a little bit and then meowed REALLY loud and she gave me treats! Now I know why Billy SweetFeets likes to DANCE DANCE DANCE!
Last night the evil introoder kitty that looks a lot like Victor Tabbycat came to visit and he knocked on the front window so I went to talk to him and then we ran around the house looking at each other through all the different windows and I was trying to get him to just sit still but then the Mom woke up and she came out and wanted to know what the (badword) was that noise I was making because it sounded like someone was trying to get in, but nope, it was just me.
I GOTS FACEBOOK NOW! The Mom thought I was better suited to facebook and maybe I can say something EVERY DAY! Be my friend! I think if you clicky here it goes to my FB page.
Looky! The Dad wanted to read the newspaper but I didn't want him to because I wanted head skritches, and look!
I got them. Lots of them. And I curled up and went to sleep for a little while so he had to wait to read the paper.
I got down for a little while and he left the paper there, so I jumped back up and took a nap, because there's nothing like a nap on top of crinkly paper.
Oh man Max peed in the living room right in front of the Mom and the Dad and when she told him to stop he wouldn't do it he just kept right on peeing until she jumped up and started to reach for him even though it's not like she could MAKE him stop peeing and then she had to clean it up, and since I was already in trouble for giving her arm an owie and she said NO TREATS FOR YOU, I kinda laffed and laffed.
Look! Look look look look look!
Those things ate the Mom's feet! I chased them around for a little bit but then they turned around and started chasing me and I didn't want to get eaten too so I jumped somewhere high so they couldn't get to me, and I felt bad for the Mom but I figured her feet were long gone by then so there was nothing I could do.
See, I got up where it's safe and watched as those things made her roll around and around and around and into the bookcases because they wouldn't stop and I think they rolled her right to the end of the hall and she probably smacked into the wall down there and then they turned her around and did it all over again and again and again. I kept waiting for them to eat her legs but they never did, instead she finally had enough and saved herself by sitting down and pushing on this thingy at the top and she made them throw her feet right back up.
I have been very very quiet lately because I am very very upset because you know what? The Mom and the Dad and Max...they forgot my birthday. It was a very very important birthday, too, because I am five years old now, and that's a major major kitty birthday, it's like turning 16 or 21 for a person, but no one remembered, except some of my friends, but because Max and the Mom hog the computer I didn't even see their happy birthday wishes until today. And you know what else? One of the Mom's friends sent these fum toys with little jingle balls on a string on them, and she never even realized that was a birthday present, she thought it was just because. Max says to get over it because they've forgotten his birthday before, too, and we get pretty much everything we want all the time anyway, but that doesn't mean my feelings aren't hurt because I didn't get to hear "Happy Birthday" even once on my actual birthday, and that sucks.
Oh, you know what? the Mom and the Dad went away for a night and the Other Dad came over and he brought his woofy, which didn't make me or Max very happy, so we stayed in the back of the house and he stayed in the front of the house, which was okay because before they left the Mom brought our food and water fountain to the back of the house and put the gate up so that the woofy couldn't get to the back of the house, which meant he couldn't eat our food AND we were safe from getting accidentally eaten, and then at night the Other Dad took his woofy into a bedroom with him and shut the door, so we were still safe and if we wanted we could go to the front of the house, which Max didn't want to do because he thinks woofies are sneaky and didn't want to risk it, but I did, and then because I was so very brave while they were gone the Mom and the Dad went out and got me a brand new bed!
I had a bed but I didn't like it and sometimes I got into Max's bed but he didn't like that, so I used a pillow and I thought it was very comfy, but I kept rolling off of it, but now I have a really big pillow and it's right in front of the fire!
I think I look very good on it.
We got this nifty food thingy that has lots of our favorite crunchy food in it and it's like the food never goes away, but Max won't let me have any of it, and the Mom and the Dad put it there because they're going to go play in the snow sometime next week and they're going to stay there all night and got this so we would have food while they were gone but since Max won't let me have any I'm going to starve to death, I just know it.
Oh you know what? Tonight the Mom and the Dad went out to the store because they were out of yogurt and they will DIE if they don't get to eat yogurt every day, like THREE times a day, plus they wanted milk and bread and tiny turkey sausages that the Mom likes but she never shares with me, but that's all right because I don't like a lot of People food anyway but it really pisses Max off.
Well, they turned the fire thingy off when they left and then when they came home they didn't turn it back on so I waited and waited and waited and I had my dinner and I waited some more and finally when the Mom was sitting there watching How I Met Your Mother's Big Bang Theory I went over to it and banged my head against the front so that it made a rattle noise, and she got up and turned it on for me so that I could be nice and toasty warm until she has to turn it off before she goes to bed tonight.